Cay-Listers

For years the Ritz-Carlton Grand Cayman was a joke and a punchline within itself.

It took like 87 years to build, at a cost of 9 quadrillion dollars, and remains two-thirds empty 5 years after opening. The starting price for three bedroom Condos inside the Ritz has just been lowered, yes LOWERED to 2.9 million US. Really.

They keep a parking circle full of white Mercedes-Benz and BMW vehicles for their guests to use, as well as a helicopter to shuttle you to Miami if you eat some bad shellfish or something.

The bad shellfish would have to come from somewhere else, because both* of their restaurants have menus designed by Eric Ripert, a Michelin Star winner and one of the top 5 chefs in the world.

*Both. Two. One over-priced joint was not enough for them. Two over-priced joints was juuuuust-riiiiight.



The Ritz is a gargantuan structure, joining the Great Wall of China and Kirstie Alley as one of the few Earthly things visible from space. It's so tall that it eclipses the sun on our morning beach walk, and our disgust at the size and pretentiousness of the complex is matched only by our hatred for it's guests.

All of that being said, they really know how to throw a party.

The Ritz hosted the Cayman Classic Tennis ProAm over the weekend, and Kristi was offered VIP passes in exchange for her services as a Physiotherapist for the tournament players.

We debated a little when the offer came through....

Should we take the high road, standing strong in the face of an institution that we feel is an eyesore and completely wrong for Cayman?

Or.....

Should we go eat their food, drink their liquor, and act like fools? You know... in protest or whatever....

Well....




Once I saw the tickets, I knew it we had to make a decision. And a scene.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. Please attire yourself in white for this event."

Pfffffttt.

They might as well have said: "Zach. Please act like a Baboon on Angel Dust."

We went, and I must admit it was really lovely.




The food was fresh and delicious (see Baked Potato Martini below), the pours were generous and straight from the top shelf, and the service was friendly and attentive.




There were also a bunch of celebrities there, but more on them later.

We ran into our friends Jocelyn and Brian and had an incredibly nice time.




But, you know... we had a great time IN PROTEST!!!!!

We grabbed our shoes and left a little after midnight, feeling like maybe we hadn't given the Ritz a fair shake.



We woke up feeling a little... Off, and decidedly less hospitable.

The ProAm was that morning, and we had VIP tent bracelets.



Again, incredible food and drink, luxurious accommodations, and some aggressively obnoxious celebrities.

I sat by Frankie Muniz (from TV's Malcom in the Middle) for the better part of 5 hours. This was not my choice... it was just a very small tent.



He looked like the hobbit, and would not shut up about car racing.

Some gems:

"I'm one of the top-ten drivers in the world."

"NASCAR is fixed, so I turned down a HUGE contract with them."

"I'm one of the top-five drivers in the world."

"I could probably win this tennis tournament, but I'm saving my energy for a race that's coming up."

"I'm like the.... top driver in the world.... but, whatever...."

"I'm like a God in Mexico City. They love me. I'm the top driver in the world."

"I don't even act anymore... you have to make sacrifices when you're the top driver in the world."

(When asked about Helio Castroneves, the REAL top driver in the world)

"He lost on Dancing with the Stars. I'll beat him no problem."

and

"I race cars for a living. I'm probably the top driver in the world."

Alan Thicke, Jason Biggs, that dude who won "The Apprentice," and that blonde lady that Fred Thompson fired from his office for being a lesbo on Law and Order were there, too. Oh yeah, and a bunch of tennis stars.

They all graciously spared me the details of what they're "best in the world" at.

Anyway, I was Over-Served once again, and left feeling sunburnt and angry at the Ritz for inviting Frankie Muniz.

All in all... a very nice couple of days on the Ritz's dime. The face value for all four tickets was over $1,000, so I suppose that we can't be too angry at the Ritz.

But we probably will.

I did get bitten by a FIRE ANT while I was there.




I think I'll sue them AND Frankie Muniz.

Ta.